Friday, October 13, 2017

The Foreigner ★★★

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    Review coming soon.

Friday, October 6, 2017

My Little Pony: The Movie ★1/2

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    Reader, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: No self-respecting movie critic will ever pen a rave review for a "My Little Pony" film, period. And you know, we really don't have much of a choice. I mean, think about it. Apart from the franchise's lustrous exterior, there's nothing of value for target audiences (that being, small children with the attention span of a fruit fly) beyond the usual themes of friendship and individuality, and this "Pony" production is no exception. (I'd liken the picture to a sugar rush for the eyes; I was spellbound for a total of about two minutes.) "My Little Pony: The Movie" may not be the worst animated feature of the year—that title inescapably belongs to "The Emoji Movie"—but it's darn close.

    The creative minds responsible for the revival of the "Pony" brand (director Jayson Thiessen and screenwriter Meghan McCarthy, respectively) pull out all the stops in this ninety-minute extension of the popular animated series, and as much as I love "Pony" puns and cutesy pop songs, there's just not enough substance here to offset all the fluff. (Parents, this is exactly the kind of dreck that is sapping our kids' brainpower; I hope that you'll take my warnings earnestly.) But let's stop beating around the bush, shall we? "My Little Pony: The Movie" has its moments—I even took a liking to Tempest Shadow (Emily Blunt), an emotionally damaged pony who's determined to exact revenge—but where's the novelty? Where's the imagination? (Not only does the storyline suffer from a made-for-tv mentality, but I have every right to question the motive behind this particular "Pony" project. Meaning, I suspect financial gain to be the sole driving force.)

    It will be impossible for critics to comment on this film without mentioning the toy line in which the franchise is based, yet that's only a fraction of the problem. (Let's be frank, movies inspired by a child's plaything rarely pay off (artistically speaking), and in this era of filmmaking, it's become a moot point.) A few notable flaws: Outside of the "Mane Six," a moniker given to a handful of the most prized ponies in Equestria, the character designs are cheap and chintzy, and as far as I can tell, the entire storyboarding effort was little more than a shambolic session of devil-may-care decision-making and feckless brainstorming. (Now, one could contend that the aforementioned shortcoming was done purposefully in an attempt to keep the main protagonists front and center, but I'm not buying such hooey.) More importantly, however, this "Pony" venture never strays far from its calculable way of thinking, and I even had the time to mull over what seems to be a glaring classification issue. (A majority of the ponies have attributes that would link them to the mythical Pegasus or unicorn, but I guess "My Little Pegasus" just doesn't have that same ring to it.)

    I have to take my hat off to the behind-the-scenes talent for committing to parts that are, dare I say, unbecoming, and even though these voice actors give it their all, it is an infantile script that scarcely allows for quality showmanship. (Liev Schreiber does his best James Woods impression à la Disney's "Hercules," and Taye Diggs outshines the rest of the cast as Capper, a sly yet sympathetic feline who ultimately befriends our four-legged heroes. And to solidify my point, despite Diggs's charm, he's still forced to read this rubbish: "Apologies for the state of my litterbox. I wasn't expecting guests.")

    In the grand scheme of things, the "My Little Pony" franchise will surely be forgotten (as for this rendition of Ponydom, it was out of mind before the closing credits began), and I don't mean to be a downer, but this is one series that should never have been reborn. (Beneath all the glitter and good cheer, there resides a certain emptiness; we've got to find a better way to entertain our youngsters.) In any event, what it comes down to is this: On the biggest stage, these "Ponies" fail to deliver.