Monday, February 2, 2015

Movie 43 Zero Stars

    Over the course of my brief, yet fulfilling stint as a film critic, I've encountered an innumerable amount of "bad" pictures, however, none as egregious as the film entitled: "Movie 43." It is a pathetic excuse for film-making as it is, yet it is so much more than that. It is a testament to the lack of respect and appreciation for what this art represents, and it is the only picture in which I have actually felt a loss of intellectual capacity after viewing.

    Sure, I've sat through an abundance of pictures that warranted the action of pulling one's bodily extremities out of their sockets, just so that you can have something to slap yourself back into coherence with, but this film accomplishes an even more daunting task--a feeling of pure physical sickness and a sense of empathy for anyone who actually paid money to see it upon release.

    With that being said, "Movie 43," structurally speaking, is a series of short and rather horrendous clips that intend to provoke some hint of emotion, whether it be laughter (although that is highly doubtful, considering the stupidity of the material) or psychological nausea.

    Of course, there is an underlining degree of satire, which touches on modern aspects of society, including the insensitivity of parents with regard to teenagers, the degradation of sexual fetishes, the commercial industry, the ignorance of mega corporations, the obsession surrounding plastic surgery and the racial stereotypes that fuel American athletics.

    Nonetheless, it is a moot point; for, it is fashioned in such a way that can only be described as mind-numbingly atrocious, and, quite frankly, it is an encroachment on our rights as human beings.

    Unfortunately, there are some notable actors that grace our presence. The short list would include the likes of Hugh JackmanKate WinsletRichard Gere and Halle Berry, among others. It would seem as if their pride and dignity as professional actors was completely surrendered in an effort to obtain (what else?) monetary gain; not to cast aspersions, however, but this becomes evident after every utterance which can be deemed a line of dialogue.

    I assume this lack of conviction was due to the daydreams in which our resident stars brewed over, which highlighted what to spend their hefty day's earnings on. Unless, of course, it was their intention to become a constituent to what can be designated as the worst contemporary film ever created.

    It has become quite a dilemma for me (with regard to the grading scale) when it comes to pictures of this stature. My intention is to never denounce a film to this degree unless I find it to be morally appalling and offensive to the population of this wonderful country. (In fact, the only film that I have given "Zero Stars" up to this point is the fourth installment of the "Transformers" franchise, which is an outright affliction to the wallets of millions of individuals, when it could be best spent elsewhere.)

    Not only will I impart this rating onto this particular picture, but I will place an emphasis on just how pernicious it is. The most simplistic aspect of my job is to recommend good films and forewarn audiences of the inferior ones. Now, if you find yourself with an irresistible hankering to actually view this wretched excuse for entertainment, and subsequently find it to your liking, then there is little hope for you. For everyone else concerned, you have been warned.

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